[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
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Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
😂🤣😂🤣
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.