Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*