The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
why I oughta
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too