ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”