I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?