A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.