ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
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9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city