On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I don’t get marriage
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill