I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list