Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.