PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.