going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”