The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help