Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
No, he would not have.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
B
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
oh my god
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Hit me in the face with a bird
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*