Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Still cracks me up
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.