Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
he chose this
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.