“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
For the ones in the back.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
idk flipping houses looks really hard
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb