Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies