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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Safety first
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.