Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
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11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never