Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Wait a minute