ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
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If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”