Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.