If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans