[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.