wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class