My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
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[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
A leaf blower, but for people.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Twitter remains undefeated
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.