When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.