Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.