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[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.