I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.