me when the borders lift
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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
This is my brand.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”