everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
You Might Also Like
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?