My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
notice
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.