watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
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I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”