20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Looking at you, Jesus.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
do horses think humans are hats
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”