No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
*offers Batman cough drops*
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense