2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.