bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
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I put the h in mysterious.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married