This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I think I’ll stand