setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.