Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]