DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*