Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I’m listening
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.