I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned