Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Cndnsd Mlk
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.