Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
no one likes gloating
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
*checks Timeline*…
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills