I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Super Hand Dog Face
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.