I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence