BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.